TBBT Season 2: The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition

Episode 19
(Aired 03/30/2009)

Sheldon: Penny please. We're facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids.
Leonard: Sheldon, it's not that bad.
Sheldon: Not bad? It's horrible. I mean, you hear stories about this sort of thing, but you never think it'll happen to you.
Leonard: So they steamed your dumplings. Get over it! New topic, please.

***

Raj: I like green lantern. I'm just saying it's pretty lame that he can be defeated by the color yellow.
Sheldon: Only the modern green lantern is vulnerable to yellow.
Leonard: Golden age green lantern was vulnerable to wood.
Raj: Great, so I can take them both out with a number-two pencil?

TBBT Season 2: The Killer Robot Instability

Episode 12
(Aired 01/12/2009)

Howard: Behold the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator or..
Leonard, Sheldon, Raj: MONT-E.
Howard: Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armor plate exoskeleton top and bottom and enough force horsepower a hundred and ten pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap and four point eight seconds.
Sheldon: Is it wrong to say I love our killer robot?
Raj: As with my father, I both love and fear it.

***
Raj: Okay what should be first to taste the wrath of MONT-E?
Leonard: Maybe we should start small.
Raj: Okay. Oh perhaps today is the day we finally find out what's inside the magic eight ball.
Sheldon: I did it when I was four. It's an icosahedral die floating in tinted blue water.
Raj: Man, call spoiler alert before you say things like that.
Leonard: How 'bout the toaster oven?
Sheldon: What've the toaster ever do to you?

***
Sheldon: This is an auspicious moment. Like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.
Raj: How about "Die toaster die!"?
Leonard: That will do it!

***
Kripke: Let's settle this woboto a woboto.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Kripke: There's no guwantee we're gonna go against each other in the wound wobin so let's through it down. Unless you're afwaid.
Sheldon: We accept your challenge. Name a time and place.

***
Kripke: If you're not there you'll be exposed to widicule.
Raj: I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?

***
Sheldon: What you fail to realize is that Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw. Overconfidence from his robot's massive size and it's overwhelming power.
Raj: It's not overconfidence, that's observation.
Sheldon: Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey to my psychological warfare. Observe.

***
Sheldon: Kripke, I would ask if your robot is prepared to meet it's maker but as you are it's maker clearly the two of you have met.
Kripke: What is his pwoblem!?
Raj: Way to bust up the Jedi mind tricks, dude.

TBBT Se 02: The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

Episode 11
(Aired 12/15/2008)

Sheldon: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. It is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminate matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.
Howard: What if he gets something Kryptonian on it?
Sheldon: Like what?
Howard: I don't know, Kryptonian mustard.
Sheldon: I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
Raj: Or it turned into mustard Kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hotdog threatening Earth.
Leonard: Raj, please let's stay serious here. Superman's body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.
Howard: Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains?
Sheldon: Superman doesn't sweat on Earth.
Howard: Okay, he's invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. he miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner his host says, "Who's up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?" Superman says, "Sure.", works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration
Raj: Boo ya.
Sheldon: Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry cleaner before he left the Bottle.
Raj: Kandorian dry cl... I give up, you can't have a rational argument with this man.

***
Raj: He's a very handsome man.
Howard: Doesn't do a thing for me. If I was gonna go that way, I'm more of a Zac Ephron kinda guy.
Raj: Oh, yeah, like you have a shot with Zac Ephron.

***
Penny: Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
Sheldon: Wait! You bought me a present? Why would you do such a thing?
Penny: I don't know. 'Cause it's Christmas?
Sheldon: Oh, Penny. I know you think you're being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.
Howard: Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, hey, it's okay.You don't have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.
Sheldon: No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps.

***
Sheldon: I don't see anything in here a woman would want.
Howard: You're kidding. You've got lotions and bath oils and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick.
Sheldon: What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.
Raj: Sheldon, if you don't like this stuff, let's just go next door and build her a bear.
Sheldon: I told you before, bears are terrifying.
Howard: Come on, bath stuff. It's perfect! You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation.
Sheldon: That presupposes Penny is tense.
Raj: She knows you. She's tense.
We all are. Buy a basket!

***
Sheldon: Let's say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet: Which size?
Howard: This one. Let's go.
Sheldon: You put no thought into that.

***
Sheldon: Mmm, great news, Leonard. I've solved my Penny gift dilemma.
Leonard: Yippee.
Sheldon: You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress. Then I'll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her and then I'll return the others for a full refund.
Leonard: Brilliant.
Sheldon: It is, isn't it?

***
Sheldon: Ah, good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
Penny: Okay, here.
Sheldon: I should note I'm having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.
Penny: Turn it over.
Sheldon: "To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy."
Penny: Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?
Penny: Well... Yeah, yeah. I guess. But look, he signed it.
Sheldon: Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!

TBBT Se 02: The Vartabedian Conundrum

Episode 10
(Aired 12/08/2008)

Sheldon: We'll you're the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying an sound
Leonard: Me, too.
Sheldon: Is it a high frequency whistle?
Leonard: No, it's more of a relentless narcissistic drone.

***
Leonard: Do you understand that Stephanie's not here to treat your imaginary ailments?
Sheldon: How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C?

***
Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H..
Leonard: Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen. I also initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.
Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did.

***
Stephanie: Hi Sheldon.
Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
Leonard: Oh good god! Sheldon we don't ask questions like that.
Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
Stephanie: He did very nicely.
Sheldon: See? She's not offended. And now you finally have an answer.

***
Stephanie: I haven't heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven't I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning... in her underwear?
Leonard: She's heard about you because we're, you know, involved and and you haven't heard about her because... I never slept with her, I swear!
Sheldon: In Leonard's defense, it wasn't for lack of trying.
Leonard: Thank you Sheldon.

***
Leonard: Look, I'm just saying, um... Penny is one of our many neighbors, you know, and in our building, come and go, it's very casual, no dress code. In fact, some mornings I'll just mosey down to the third floor in my pajamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Sheldon: Really? I have never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn't like you.

***
Leonard: Where's my bat signal?
Penny: You have a bat signal?
Leonard: I did. It was right here. She must've-- Oh my god, we're living together!

TBBT Se 02: The White Asparagus Triangulation

Episode 9

Sheldon: You're aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?
Penny: Okay, feeling the awkward now.
Sheldon: Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Fremont Memorial.
Penny: Yeah, Leonard told me.
Sheldon: Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.
Penny: To you?
Sheldon: Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only I have ever found tolerable.
Penny: Well, what about me?
Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.

***
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.
Penny: I could think about you.
Sheldon: Fine, whatever works.
Penny: Always nice talking to you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Uh, peace out!

***
Sheldon: Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?
Stephanie: No.
Sheldon: Good. What's your favorite fruit?
Stephanie: Uh, strawberries.
Sheldon: Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right.

***
Stephanie: Uh, Lawrence Memorial in Galveston Texas.
Sheldon: Really? That's where I was born.
Stephanie: You're kidding!
Sheldon: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.
Stephanie: What? W-w-what happened?
Sheldon: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.
Stephanie: I'm sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner?
Sheldon: No, I didn't try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression "not a snowball's chance in a cat scanner."

***
Sheldon: Look, if you fail this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy.

***
Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.
Lenard: What Sheldon?! What Sheldon? ! What Sheldon?!
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here.
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

***
Sheldon: Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
Leonard: It's just her Facebook page and we've only been going out a couple of weeks.
Sheldon: You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
Leonard: Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship. I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek!

***
Sheldon: This is banana bread.
Penny: This is a door knob.
Sheldon: It's my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.
Penny: Sheldon, would you like to come in?
Sheldon: I suppose I could spare a few minutes.

***
Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon: I'm certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.
Penny: He's having problems with Stephanie?
Sheldon: She's sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data.

***
Penny: Oh, okay, all right, you know what? I'll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicated through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon: It's not enough that you've made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?

***
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.
Raj: You told me you're going to have the talk with him.
Howard: I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.
Sheldon: More to the point, it's about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.
Howard: Oh, I don't think you can.
Sheldon: Well, why not?
Howard: Look at Leonard's record. 27 days with Joyce Kim.
Raj: During which she defected to North Korea.
Howard: Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
Raj: For which she awarded him the nickname "speed of light Leonard".
Howard: And a three hour dinner with Penny.
Raj: Which would have been two and half if they ordered that souffle when they sat down.
Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have after 20 minutes.
Sheldon: Yes, I'm aware of the math. Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth. The issue remains. How do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?
Raj: Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.
Howard: I'll tell what you shouldn't do. Don't spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it. That doesn't work at all. No matter how much you put on.
Sheldon: So that's all you've got. Apocalyptic genocide and "go easy on the cologne"?

***
Sheldon: Great. New topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I've been doing some research only and apparently female primates, you know, uh, apes, chimpanzees, you. They find their mate more desirable when he's being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation.

TBBT Se 02: The Lizard-Spock Expansion

Episode 8

Sheldon, Raj: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!

***
Howard: I got a whole list of them. Who wants to be my wing man?
Leonard: You're not gonna need a wing man. You're gonna need a paramedic.

***
Leonard: Howard's at the Mars Rover Lab. He says he's in trouble. Def Con 5.
Sheldon: Def Con 5? Well, there's no need to rush.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Def Con 5 means no danger. Def Con 1 is a crisis.
Leonard: How come 5 not be worse than 1?
Raj: Yeah, Star Trek 5, worse than 1!
Sheldon: Hey, first of all that's a comparison between quality not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek 1 is orders of magnitude worse that Star Trek 5.
Raj: Are you joking? Star Trek 5 is the standard against which all badness is measured.
Sheldon: No. No. Star Trek 5 has specific failures in writing and direction while Star Trek 1 fails across the board. Art direction., costuming, music, sound editing.
Leonard: Look, can we just forget I said Def Con and go?
Raj: Star Trek 5!

***
Leonard: What's the emergency?
Howard: I got the Mars rover stuck in the ditch.
Sheldon: Where?
Howard: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield... Where do you think? On Mars!

***
Howard: No. There were three other guys with eye-patches. It was a complete fiasco. What did work was " How do you like to visit a secret government facility".
Sheldon: What exactly do you want us to do?
Howard: I need you and Raj to help me get the rover out of the ditch and I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she's here. She doesn't exactly have clearance.
Sheldon: Really? They don't let strange women from honky tonks come in to play with 200 million dollar government projects on distant planets?
Howard: Yes, I was bad. Maybe she'll spank me. Can we please move on?

***
Stephanie: So, are a scientist like Howard?
Leonard: No one's a scientist like Howard.

***
Howard: My mother is so gonna love her.
Sheldon: Oh, how nice. Maybe they can car pool when they visit you in federal prison.

***
Howard: Anything?
Raj: Actually I was just checking my email. But, uh, nope. The rover is not responding.
Sheldon: I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
Howard: Hang on. There's gotta be other options.
Raj: You can try calling triple A. But based on NASA's latest timetable, they won't get there for 35 years.
Sheldon: Of course, I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
Raj: Oh, snap!
Sheldon: Snap what?

***
Leonard: If anyone asks you where I went, you don't know.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I can't tell you that.
Sheldon: Well, who would ask me?
Leonard: I can't tell you that either.
Sheldon: So you brought me in here to inform me that you can't tell me where you're going and you can't tell me who might ask?
Leonard: Yeah... I really didn't think this through.

***
Leonard: So how was work today?
Stephanie: Busy. I removed an appendix, a gall bladder and about a foot and a half of bowel.
Leonard: I'm hoping that was three different guys.
Stephanie: No. Just the one. He didn't make it.

***
Stephanie: So how was your day?
Leonard: You know I'm a physicist so I thought about stuff.
Stephanie: That's it?
Leonard: Uh, I wrote some of it down.

***
Penny: New shirt?
Leonard: Oh yeah. A couple.
Penny: Nice!
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: So, who's the girl?
Leonard: I'm sorry?
Penny: Well, last time you bought a new shirt was when we were dating.

***
Penny: So, who is she?
Leonard: Oh she's a doctor.
Penny: Oh, nice! A doctor doctor or a you kind of doctor?
Leonard: Doctor doctor. Surgical resident.

***
Leonard: Let me ask you something. If your friend thinks he's dating someone but he's not because in fact you're dating her, does that make you a bad person?
Penny: Well that depends.
Leonard: On what?
Penny: Is the friend Wolowitz?
Leonard: Yeah...
Penny: Screw him. You're fine.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Well, have you slept with her yet?
Leonard: ...
Penny: You dog! Good for you!
Leonard: Does that change things?
Penny: No.
Leonard: So why'd you ask?
Penny: I'm just nosy. See you!

***
Leonard: Howard?
Howard: Sheldon...
Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intents to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak, and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.

***
Leonard: Howard, come on! I didn't plan on this. This things just happen. Usually not to ME, but they do happen.
Howard: Did someone just fell a cold breeze?
Sheldon: I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor, the cold breeze is a so called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.
Raj: You know, screw it. I'm just gonna it the dumpling!

***
Stephanie: Is this bad time?
Leonard: Yeah, but I don't see a better one on the horizon so...
Howard: Oh, if it isn't Mrs.-Dead-to-me.
Stephanie: Hello Howard.
Howard: Sheldon...
Sheldon: I'm sorry. You violated the terms of you metaphor by acknowledging her existence. I'm out.

TBBT Se 02: The Panty Piñata Polarization

Episode 7

Sheldon: Excuse me Penny, but we're...
Leonard: No, no, don't tell her.
Sheldon: playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard: Aw...
Howard: What do you mean aw? Like she didn't know we were nerds?

***
Howard: Oh, look, there's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No wait, that's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of... Oh, what a coincidence. It's the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.

***
Leonard: Why?
Howard: Isn't it obvious? Every week they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem. A.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.

***
Leonard: You can recognize people on Google Earth?
Howard: Of course not. I got a buddy of mine at NORAD to have a spy drone fly over.
Leonard: NORAD? You're using military aircraft?
Howard: It was already targeted to poke around a nuclear reactor in Siberia. I took it an hour out of its way, tops.

***
Penny: No, no, no. It is on. I'm gonna introduce your friend to a world of hurt.
Leonard: Oh, Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a super villain.

***
Leonard: Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it's "creepy" to use the internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.

TBBT Se 02: The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem

Episode 6

Leonard: Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
Sheldon: It's a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.
Leonard: If you don't do this, I won't take you to the comic book store.

***
Sheldon: Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14. And I already achieved what most of you could ever hope to, despite my nine o'clock bed time.

***
Sheldon: In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make a significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you. A cruel trick indeed. Any questions? Of course not. I weep for the future of science. Now, if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out.

***
Raj: Isn't there a university policy against dating graduate students?
Leonard: No. If you can talk to them, you can ask them out.
Raj: Damn! There's always a catch.

***
Sheldon: But why should I cater to second-rate minds?
Leslie: Because first-rate minds call you dumb-ass?
Sheldon: Oh yeah? Wh... you're a mean person.

***
Ramona: Dr. Cooper, I've read everything you've published. I especially liked you paper on grand unification using string theory condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string that's provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons.
Sheldon: Amazing! An intelligent labradoodle.

***
Leonard: Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork.
Sheldon: Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the Seven Seas.

***
Penny: Are you here to see Leonard?
Ramona: No, Dr. Cooper.
Penny: Dr. Sheldon Cooper?
Ramona: We're having dinner.
Penny: Sheldon Cooper!? Tall, thin, looks a little like a giant praying mantis?
Ramona: He is cute, isn't he?
Penny: Sheldon Cooper?

***
Leonard: Sheldon, you girl, date, person... Ramona's here!

***
Ramona: Sorry, I didn't bring enough for your friends. I assumed we were going to be alone.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. We were just going...
Howard: ... to watch right?
Leonard: Oh come on now, we're going out!
Penny: Oh come on, we'll be quiet...

***
Penny: What's Sheldon's deal?
Leonard: What do you mean 'deal'?
Penny: Oh you know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls, guys, sock puppets?
Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that Sheldon has no deal.
Penny: Oh, come on. Everybody has a deal.
Howard: Not Sheldon. Over the years we formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Howard: I believe, one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.

***
Sheldon: I need your help.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: I'm invoking the Sky-net clause of our friendship agreement.
Leonard: That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence that you created that's taking over the earth.
Sheldon: Come on! Don't nitpick!
Leonard: Good night!
Sheldon: Alright! I'm invoking our body snatchers clause.
Leonard: The body snatchers clause requires me to help you kill someone we know who's been replaced with an alien pod.
Sheldon: Yes, she's in the living room. Go! I'll wait here.

TBBT Se 02: The Euclid Alternative

Episode 5

Sheldon: I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.

***
Leonard: I'm not going to work.
Sheldon: Oh, just because your career's been stagnant for a few years that's no reason to give up.

***
Sheldon: I can't take the bus anymore. They don't have seat belts and they won't let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.
Leonard: You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?
Sheldon: I didn't try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.

***
Sheldon: Thank you for driving me to work.
Penny: You know this is my day off, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, good. I'm not keeping you from anything.

***
Raj: Why did Howard leave you in the middle of the road anyway?
Sheldon: We had a difference of opinion.
Raj: Over what?
Sheldon: Whether or not he was trying to kill me? For the record I maintain he was.

***
Leonard: So, wait, you're just gonna give up?
Sheldon: No, I'm not giving up. I never give up.
Leonard: So, what is it you're doing?
Sheldon: I'm transcending the situation. I'm clearly too evolved for driving.
Leonard: What does that mean?

***
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe. Not determining when it's safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.
Leonard: It's never safe.

TBBT Se 02: The Griffin Equivalency

Episode 4

Penny: Okay. Well, I'll just, uhm, go eat. By myself.
Leonard: Penny, you don't have to do that.
Penny: No, its okay. Between him not talking, him talking, and him, I'm better off alone. So... Goodbye, you poor strange little man.

***
Howard: Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used?
Raj: Sorry. It's not part of my heart-warming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Howard: Poverty? You father's a gynecologist. He drives a Bentley.
Raj: It's a lease!

***
Sheldon: I'm confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientist will be included?
Raj: Peer review? It's People magazine. People picked me.
Sheldon: What people?
Raj: The, the, the people from People.
Sheldon: Yeah, but exactly, who are these people? What are their credentials? How are they qualified? What makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that's been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty?

***
Leonard: 'you proud of yourself?
Sheldon: In general, yes.

***
Sheldon: Look, I've found my missing neutrino.
Howard: Oh good, we can take it off the milk cart.

***
Sheldon: I often forget other people have limitations. That's so sad.
Howard: He can feel sadness?
Leonard: Not really, it's what you and I would call condescension.

***
Sheldon: Fine. What do you want me to do?
Leonard: Smile.
Howard: Oh crap! that's terrifying.
Leonard: We're here to see Koothrappali not kill Batman! try less teeth.

***
Raj: They are going to digitally add a supernova. They said it's the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.
Sheldon: Right. A ball of hot flaming gas that collapses upon itself.

***
Penny: I can't believe you. Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you're not even gonna be there to support him?
Sheldon: A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Howard: That would be cool. I'd go to that reception.

***
Sheldon: If Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, then perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.
Leonard: You wanna breed a new friend?!
Sheldon: That's one option, but who has the time?

***
Howard: Sheldon, don't take this the wrong way but you're insane.
Leonard: That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.
Sheldon: For the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, the carriers of unusual pathogens... and I'm not insane. My mother had me tested.

***
Leonard: Let's see, money, women, technology... We're agreed, our new friend is going to be Iron Man!

TBBT Se 02: The Barbarian Sublimation

Episode 3

Penny: Oh, I see.
Sheldon: What does that stand for?

***
Leonard: I only bring it up because your ice cream's melting and it's starting to attract wildlife.

***
Howard: What the frack?

***
Raj: It's like some kind of weird comic book cross-over.
Howard: Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.
Raj: I've always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian.

***
Leslie: Don't turn it off, you might miss the call from the Nobel committee letting you know you've been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year!
Sheldon: Oh yeah? Well, you wouldn't even be nominated!

***
Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep. She is interfering with my work. And if I have another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'll be interfering with that, too.

***
Leslie: Afternoon men, Sheldon.
Sheldon: oh, yeah? Well, you're attempted juvenilizing me by to excluding me from the set adult male... oh... I'm too tired to do this.
Leslie: Great. I've heard you've been pulling all-nighters with middle-earth barbie.
Sheldon: She comes to my room. No one's supposed to be in my room.

***
Sheldon: Hang on Leonard. Well, I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter. We have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general slutiness.
Leslie: Thank you.

TBBT Se 02: The Codpiece Topology

Episode 2

Leonard: You went out and bought linen?
Sheldon: Don't be silly. I borrowed one of your pillow cases.

***
Sheldon: Notify the editors of the Oxford English dictionary. The word "plenty' has been redefined to mean "two".

***
Raj: What about leslie Winkle?
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Raj: Why?
Sheldon: Her research methodology is sloppy, she's unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse, she's often mean to me.

***
Howard: You mean like you and Richard the slave girl?
Raj: I bought him dinner and we kissed once. That was it! ...and he told me his name was Kimberly!

***
Sheldon: You know how I know we're not in the Matrix?
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: If we were, the food would be better.

***
Leslie: Hey dummy.
Sheldon: Hello to you, insufficiently
intelligent person.
Leslie: Oooh, rush me to the burn unit.

***
Leslie: So I heard your relationship with Penny crashed the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.
Leonard: Where did you hear that?
Leslie: Actually I read it. Wolowitz texted me.

***
Leonard: Sounds fun.
Leslie: I'll leave the details up to you. I think its better if you assume the male role.
Leonard: Thank you, that's very thoughtful.

***
Leonard: Sheldon, it's a date. I have a date coming over.
Sheldon: Oh. Well you cna't blame for jumping to that conclusion.
Leonard: Why? What is so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking...
Leonard: Allright, alright.

***
Leonard: ...you know, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates, and an IQ which can't be accurately measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?

***
Sheldon: You want me to leave the apartment?
Leonard: Yes
Sheldon: You want to just go someplace else and be someplace else?
Leonard: Yes

***
Leonard: And if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like to have some privacy I'd be more than happy to get out of your way.
Sheldon: Well, alright then.

***
Penny: Sheldon, you are a smart guy. You must...
Sheldon: Smart? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.

TBBT Se 02: The Bad Fish Paradigm

Episode 01

Why don't we just figure where we're going and when we want to get there, and then, rate of speed equals distance over time. - Leonard

***
Leonard: Sheldon, how can you let them spy on me?
Sheldon: They were clever Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.

***
Howard: No, it's like, "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
Raj: You being the fish.
Leonard: I'm not the fish!

***
Raj: He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard: Give him time.

***
Penny: Sheldon? Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon; I would prefer that you not, but I won't go so far as to forbid it.
Penny: Alright, I heard "yes", so...

***
Sheldon: Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a Phd in French Literature.
Penny: How was that not a brainiac?
Sheldon: Oh, for one thing, she was French. Another is literature.

***
Sheldon: You're asking to keep a secret?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret. So that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the confidence of secret-keeping.

***
Penny: I would absolutely die of embarrasment.
Sheldon: Physiologically impossible.

***
Penny: Look, I'm asking you as a friend.
Sheldon: So, you're saying that friendship contains within it, an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?
Penny: Well, yeah!
Sheldon: Interesting. One more question, and perhaps I should've lead with this. When did we become friends?

***
Howard: Shouldn't you put him on a brown paper bag and set him on fire?

The Big Bang Theory Season 1

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Tangerine Factor
Episode 17 (Season Finale)

These guys really brighten up my day! And Howard didn't really look that nerdy and disgusting in real life!

***
Penny (talking to Leonard): I mean not "you" smart, normal non-freaky smart.

***
Penny: Do yo have a second?
Sheldon: A second what, pair of underwear?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Peanut Reaction
Episode 16

It's hard to blackmail someone if you have to explain to them you are blackmailing them. Howard's a pervert but he missed out on the party! hahahahaha

***
Sheldon (on celebrating Leonard's birthday): It's actually based on very sound theories. His mother published a paper on it. ... It was obviously effective. Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Leonard: Thank you.

***
Penny: I want to talk to you.
Sheldon: What would we talk about? We have no overlapping areas of interest I'm aware of.

***
Penny (on having a party for Leonard): He just doesn't know he wants one cause he's never had one.
Howard: I suppose that's possible, but for the record, I've never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.
Penny: Howard, here's the difference --- the possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.
Howard: Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can't be part of it. ... I'm just kidding. Yes, you can. Can you bring a friend?

***
Customer: Which hard drive do I want - firewire or USB?
Sheldon: It depends on what bus you have available.
Customer: I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Sheldon: Oh, dear lord... What you computer do you have? and please don't say a white one.

***
Howard: No, you don't understand
Nurse: Oh I understand. Unfortunately this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pork Chop Indeterminacy
Episode 15

Raj is sooo adorable! Just his luck that the medication wore out when he was about to get the girl! I can't stop laughing!

***
Leonard: Some physicists are concerned that if the super-collider actually works, it'll create a black hole and swallow up the earth. Ending life as we know it.
Raj: Pfft, What a bunch of crybabies. No guts no glory, man.

***
Sheldon: How can you be late? I wasn't expecting you at all.
Howard: Nobody ever expects me. Sometimes you just look and bam! Howard Wolowitz.

***
Missy: That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A humormometer?

***
Sheldon: They call me a genius, because I'm a genius.

If only we can all be confident like Sheldon!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Nerdvana Annihilation
Episode 14

Miniature time machine indeed!

***
Leonard: Come on guys, push!
Howard: If I push any harder, I going to give birth to my colon.

***
Raj: A time-share time machine!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bat Jar Conjecture
Episode 13

Will there really be a seen depicting Spock's birth on the new Star Trek film? I'll definitely watch out for it! I really liked the scene where Leslie terrorized Sheldon.. so funny.

***
Sheldon: Well, at this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy that molecular bonds that binds your very matter together and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears!
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You're welcome.

Now, that's what I call a THREAT! :)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Jerusalem Duality
Episode 12

Wow, a 15-year doctoral candidate! What was I doing when I was 15?

***
Sheldon: I sense a disturbance in the force.

***
It's like looking into an obnoxious, little mirror isn't it?

***
Leonard: I need to tell you something, and I need you to listen carefully.
Sheldon: Alright.
Leonard: GO AWAY!

***
Sheldon: Engineering, where the noble, semi-skilled laborers execute the vision work of those who think and dream. Hello, Oompa Loompas of science.

***
Raj: Do you what he did? He watched me work for 10 minutes and started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me.
Leonard: Is that even possible?
Raj: As it turns out, yes.

***
Raj (on getting rid of Dennis Kim): We can't send him back to North Korea. He knows how to get out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pancake Batter Anomaly
Episode 11

Leonard: Drink plenty of fluids.

Sheldon: What else would I drink? Gases? Solids? Ionized plasma?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Loobenfeld Decay
Episode 10

Sheldon (on Penny's singing voice): I would suggest something to the effect of "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor a vocation for you, and if you disagree I recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization
Episode 09

Leonard: Sheldon, we have to do this!

Sheldon: No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying. Everything else is optional.