TBBT Se 02: The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

Episode 11
(Aired 12/15/2008)

Sheldon: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. It is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminate matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.
Howard: What if he gets something Kryptonian on it?
Sheldon: Like what?
Howard: I don't know, Kryptonian mustard.
Sheldon: I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
Raj: Or it turned into mustard Kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hotdog threatening Earth.
Leonard: Raj, please let's stay serious here. Superman's body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.
Howard: Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains?
Sheldon: Superman doesn't sweat on Earth.
Howard: Okay, he's invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. he miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner his host says, "Who's up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?" Superman says, "Sure.", works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration
Raj: Boo ya.
Sheldon: Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry cleaner before he left the Bottle.
Raj: Kandorian dry cl... I give up, you can't have a rational argument with this man.

***
Raj: He's a very handsome man.
Howard: Doesn't do a thing for me. If I was gonna go that way, I'm more of a Zac Ephron kinda guy.
Raj: Oh, yeah, like you have a shot with Zac Ephron.

***
Penny: Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
Sheldon: Wait! You bought me a present? Why would you do such a thing?
Penny: I don't know. 'Cause it's Christmas?
Sheldon: Oh, Penny. I know you think you're being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.
Howard: Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, hey, it's okay.You don't have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.
Sheldon: No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps.

***
Sheldon: I don't see anything in here a woman would want.
Howard: You're kidding. You've got lotions and bath oils and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick.
Sheldon: What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.
Raj: Sheldon, if you don't like this stuff, let's just go next door and build her a bear.
Sheldon: I told you before, bears are terrifying.
Howard: Come on, bath stuff. It's perfect! You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation.
Sheldon: That presupposes Penny is tense.
Raj: She knows you. She's tense.
We all are. Buy a basket!

***
Sheldon: Let's say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet: Which size?
Howard: This one. Let's go.
Sheldon: You put no thought into that.

***
Sheldon: Mmm, great news, Leonard. I've solved my Penny gift dilemma.
Leonard: Yippee.
Sheldon: You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress. Then I'll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her and then I'll return the others for a full refund.
Leonard: Brilliant.
Sheldon: It is, isn't it?

***
Sheldon: Ah, good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
Penny: Okay, here.
Sheldon: I should note I'm having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.
Penny: Turn it over.
Sheldon: "To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy."
Penny: Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?
Penny: Well... Yeah, yeah. I guess. But look, he signed it.
Sheldon: Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!

TBBT Se 02: The Vartabedian Conundrum

Episode 10
(Aired 12/08/2008)

Sheldon: We'll you're the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying an sound
Leonard: Me, too.
Sheldon: Is it a high frequency whistle?
Leonard: No, it's more of a relentless narcissistic drone.

***
Leonard: Do you understand that Stephanie's not here to treat your imaginary ailments?
Sheldon: How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C?

***
Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H..
Leonard: Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen. I also initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.
Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did.

***
Stephanie: Hi Sheldon.
Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
Leonard: Oh good god! Sheldon we don't ask questions like that.
Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
Stephanie: He did very nicely.
Sheldon: See? She's not offended. And now you finally have an answer.

***
Stephanie: I haven't heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven't I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning... in her underwear?
Leonard: She's heard about you because we're, you know, involved and and you haven't heard about her because... I never slept with her, I swear!
Sheldon: In Leonard's defense, it wasn't for lack of trying.
Leonard: Thank you Sheldon.

***
Leonard: Look, I'm just saying, um... Penny is one of our many neighbors, you know, and in our building, come and go, it's very casual, no dress code. In fact, some mornings I'll just mosey down to the third floor in my pajamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Sheldon: Really? I have never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn't like you.

***
Leonard: Where's my bat signal?
Penny: You have a bat signal?
Leonard: I did. It was right here. She must've-- Oh my god, we're living together!