Black Books Season 1

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Manny's First Day
Episode 2

Manny: You said something about a job.
Bernard: What do I have to do?
Manny: No, I... in a bookshop...
Bernard: But I already work in a bookshop. Do you have anything in an aquarium?
Manny: No, for me.
Bernard: Oh, yes of course. Sorry.

***
Manny: You do know you've got mollusks in your pipes.
Bernard: What of it?
Manny: Well, it's just that tradionally they live in the sea.

***
Manny: Put in a few more standard lamps...
Bernard: Why didn't you just say you are gay?
Manny: What? But, but I am not.
Bernard: But you're interested in
Fran: lamps.
Manny (talking to Bernard): Yeah but I'm interested in women and lamps. I thought you are, actually. Gay, I mean.
Bernard: So did I, for a bit. Then I found out about the prohibitive standards of hygiene. And all that dancing!

***
Bernard: What do they want from me? Why can't they just leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me?
Manny: Well they want to buy books.
Bernard: Yeah, but why me? Why do they come to me?
Manny: Because you sell books?
Bernard: Yeah, I know but @#$%$(*^$

***
Fran: Come on Bernard, you'll be crazy to let him go. You need someone normal around here.
Bernard: Normal? He's normal, is he? What am I then?
Fran: Well, you are a freak, Bernard You know that.
Bernard: Yes! I know. But I have rights!

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Cooking the Books
Episode 1

Bernard is a drunken Irish man who owns the bookstore - Black Books. Fran is his wacky next door neighbor. Manny is an accountant who swallowed the little book of calm which was assimilated into his system overnight.

***
Bernard: Yes, Dickens. The collected works of Charles Dickens.
Customer: Are they real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.

Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with the sofa. Everything in my house is real. Give you two hundred for them.

Bernard: Two hundred what?
Customer: Two-hundred pounds!
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Customer: No.
Bernard: Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!

***
Customer: I expect better service!.
Bernard: Well, expect away.

***
Fran: Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.
Bernarnd: What is it?
Fran: It's a thing.
Bernard: Is it?
Fran: Yes.
Bernard: What does it do?
Fran: It's very in.
Bernard: You don't know what it is, do you?
Fran: It, it's very now.

***
Boss; Manny, what's that you're eating? Soup?
Manny: Yes... It's extra chunky.
Boss: What's in it?
Manny: Chunks.

Black Books Season 3

I am almost done watching Season 3 of Black Books. It is so funny! Here are my favorite lines:

"This is life - we suffer and slave and expire. That's it!"

"I am a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing that I am here at all!"

"Look at that face! I bet his corn flakes try to crawl out of the bowl."

"...and I will co-write this with myself!"

"They'll hound us like hounds!"

This one is the best!
"It's not my problem. It's my house, though and I'm not in infecting it with the kind of specimens capable of producing you."

"I can't help it. He looks like a horse in a man costume.'

"He doesn't need friends. They're bad for him. They make him all giddy."

"Stop it! Stop dying!"


Season 3 Episode 6

I can't help being angry when I'm furious!

Don't make sick with my own scorn!

It was everything I expected and less.