Black Books Season 1

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Manny's First Day
Episode 2

Manny: You said something about a job.
Bernard: What do I have to do?
Manny: No, I... in a bookshop...
Bernard: But I already work in a bookshop. Do you have anything in an aquarium?
Manny: No, for me.
Bernard: Oh, yes of course. Sorry.

***
Manny: You do know you've got mollusks in your pipes.
Bernard: What of it?
Manny: Well, it's just that tradionally they live in the sea.

***
Manny: Put in a few more standard lamps...
Bernard: Why didn't you just say you are gay?
Manny: What? But, but I am not.
Bernard: But you're interested in
Fran: lamps.
Manny (talking to Bernard): Yeah but I'm interested in women and lamps. I thought you are, actually. Gay, I mean.
Bernard: So did I, for a bit. Then I found out about the prohibitive standards of hygiene. And all that dancing!

***
Bernard: What do they want from me? Why can't they just leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me?
Manny: Well they want to buy books.
Bernard: Yeah, but why me? Why do they come to me?
Manny: Because you sell books?
Bernard: Yeah, I know but @#$%$(*^$

***
Fran: Come on Bernard, you'll be crazy to let him go. You need someone normal around here.
Bernard: Normal? He's normal, is he? What am I then?
Fran: Well, you are a freak, Bernard You know that.
Bernard: Yes! I know. But I have rights!

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Cooking the Books
Episode 1

Bernard is a drunken Irish man who owns the bookstore - Black Books. Fran is his wacky next door neighbor. Manny is an accountant who swallowed the little book of calm which was assimilated into his system overnight.

***
Bernard: Yes, Dickens. The collected works of Charles Dickens.
Customer: Are they real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.

Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with the sofa. Everything in my house is real. Give you two hundred for them.

Bernard: Two hundred what?
Customer: Two-hundred pounds!
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Customer: No.
Bernard: Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!

***
Customer: I expect better service!.
Bernard: Well, expect away.

***
Fran: Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.
Bernarnd: What is it?
Fran: It's a thing.
Bernard: Is it?
Fran: Yes.
Bernard: What does it do?
Fran: It's very in.
Bernard: You don't know what it is, do you?
Fran: It, it's very now.

***
Boss; Manny, what's that you're eating? Soup?
Manny: Yes... It's extra chunky.
Boss: What's in it?
Manny: Chunks.