TBBT Se 02: The White Asparagus Triangulation

Episode 9

Sheldon: You're aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?
Penny: Okay, feeling the awkward now.
Sheldon: Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Fremont Memorial.
Penny: Yeah, Leonard told me.
Sheldon: Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.
Penny: To you?
Sheldon: Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only I have ever found tolerable.
Penny: Well, what about me?
Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.

***
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.
Penny: I could think about you.
Sheldon: Fine, whatever works.
Penny: Always nice talking to you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Uh, peace out!

***
Sheldon: Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?
Stephanie: No.
Sheldon: Good. What's your favorite fruit?
Stephanie: Uh, strawberries.
Sheldon: Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right.

***
Stephanie: Uh, Lawrence Memorial in Galveston Texas.
Sheldon: Really? That's where I was born.
Stephanie: You're kidding!
Sheldon: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.
Stephanie: What? W-w-what happened?
Sheldon: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.
Stephanie: I'm sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner?
Sheldon: No, I didn't try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression "not a snowball's chance in a cat scanner."

***
Sheldon: Look, if you fail this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy.

***
Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.
Lenard: What Sheldon?! What Sheldon? ! What Sheldon?!
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here.
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

***
Sheldon: Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
Leonard: It's just her Facebook page and we've only been going out a couple of weeks.
Sheldon: You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
Leonard: Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship. I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek!

***
Sheldon: This is banana bread.
Penny: This is a door knob.
Sheldon: It's my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.
Penny: Sheldon, would you like to come in?
Sheldon: I suppose I could spare a few minutes.

***
Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon: I'm certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.
Penny: He's having problems with Stephanie?
Sheldon: She's sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data.

***
Penny: Oh, okay, all right, you know what? I'll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicated through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon: It's not enough that you've made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?

***
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.
Raj: You told me you're going to have the talk with him.
Howard: I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.
Sheldon: More to the point, it's about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.
Howard: Oh, I don't think you can.
Sheldon: Well, why not?
Howard: Look at Leonard's record. 27 days with Joyce Kim.
Raj: During which she defected to North Korea.
Howard: Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
Raj: For which she awarded him the nickname "speed of light Leonard".
Howard: And a three hour dinner with Penny.
Raj: Which would have been two and half if they ordered that souffle when they sat down.
Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have after 20 minutes.
Sheldon: Yes, I'm aware of the math. Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth. The issue remains. How do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?
Raj: Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.
Howard: I'll tell what you shouldn't do. Don't spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it. That doesn't work at all. No matter how much you put on.
Sheldon: So that's all you've got. Apocalyptic genocide and "go easy on the cologne"?

***
Sheldon: Great. New topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I've been doing some research only and apparently female primates, you know, uh, apes, chimpanzees, you. They find their mate more desirable when he's being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation.